Before I go shitting on white belts with poor etiquette let me compliment all white belts!
Most white belts are not jerks. So, this needn't apply to most of the wonderful folks I work with on the regular. White belts are an essential part of any Jiu-Jitsu academy. Every belt is necessary in cultivating a well-rounded practice. White belts are very much necessary for all of the other belts. I’d dare say black belts don’t get much out of white belts. Black belts have years of knowledge so a white belt gives nothing back to them. Black belts just give to white belts, and that’s the trade (it’s one way mostly). Brown belts can look to white belts, and see how far they’ve come. They look at a white belt as a paragon of inexperience. Purple belts can use white belts to sharpen their kills so that’s nice! Blue belts feel encouraged by white belts, because they can tell through practice that they are better now as a blue.
Now, to shit on white belts…
White belts often have poor etiquette. You see how they go about the mats, and you can’t help but wince. This is understandable. They haven’t learned much of anything yet. Jiu-Jitsu used to be more of a sub culture. Now, everybody and their mother is rolling. The late Anthony Bourdain also helped to bring it to the mainstream. It’s in the public consciousness, but that doesn’t mean people have a deep understanding of the art.
I implore white belts to learn proper etiquette. This means that white belts best shut up, and listen to the room. As a white belt you want to learn all you can. You can’t learn when you are convinced you know everything, and want to profess your “knowledge.”
I once heard a white belt talk about his “go-to” move in a street fight. He said, “The palm strike is my go-to.” My response would have been, “Bitch, you don’t get into enough street fights if any to have a go-to.” I, instead, walked away. It is very annoying when white belts need to confirm that they are macho tough men. If you’re wearing a white belt the chances are very likely you are not a macho tough man. You’re a big nerd, like me! We signed up for Jiu-Jitsu, because we don’t have natural fighting ability. We’re big sorry nerds, who like comic books and kung fu movies. So please, once again, shut up. Nobody sees you as a threat. You’re most likely a defenseless little marshmallow. We see you as a necessary wonderful part of a Jiu-Jitsu gym as aforementioned in the first paragraph. We just ask that you keep your years of bareknuckle combat behind Vietcong enemy lines a secret. So, to sum up.. Shut up! You might just learn something.
Please, do yourself a favor: don’t coach anybody. Again, this ties in with the first one. You don’t know any Jiu-Jitsu. You just began down the road so many have traveled before. Don’t coach a black belt unless you want a black eye. Don’t coach a brown belt unless you want to leave a brown stripe in your gi pants. Don’t coach a purple belt unless you want the dreaded… “purple-nurple.” Don’t coach a blue belt, because they still know more than you and can beat you up! So, I repeat, SHUT UP. When I go to yoga I don’t tell the hot soccer moms how to do a downward dog. I do often picture what it would be like to… anyway, I digress.
Your job, as a white belt, is to shut up. Listen, listen and listen well, kemosabe. Take it from me (a guy who likes to talk a lot), and shut the hell up. I think it was Bruce Lee who said something like: It’s like a load of shut the fuck up or you’ll miss all that heavenly glory!
So, in closing, we love yah. We want you on the mats. We want to have you as part of the club. Let’s all do that heavenly Jiu-Jitsu. We just need you to be good lil white belts, and… did you learn it yet… yes… say it with me, “SHUT UP!” I knew you’d be open to learning. Love yah, let’s do lunch, and not talk about how you fought six men in a shark tank surrounded by man-eaters while having been blindfolded, you nerd!