Jiu-Jitsu has been a practice that has helped me make sense of the world. I believe in emperical truth; Jiu-Jitsu is as honest as it gets. Other martial arts are theoretical, while Jiu-Jitsu is tried-and-true. I discover my own imperfections in a glaring array as I drill, spar and repeat. I've learned a lot about the world through the practice. I believe in meritocracy, honor, teamwork and community due in part to the practice. You can't learn everything from just reading books; you need to go out into the world to see for yourself. Sometimes, engaging in the world is dreadful.
I've been wondering why I'm competing at this point in my life. Most people compete in their teenage years, and into their 20's. I basically began towards 30 (having only competed a few times in my 20's). I couldn't deal with the pressure and the anguish of a loss. I had too much fear to subject myself to the trail by fire. When I got closer to 30 a different kind of pressure took hold. I knew if I didn't try then then I'd wake up a decade later with possible regret. That possible regret loomed over me like an existential dread I could only picture in a Hieronymus Bosch painting. The great fear of doing became the great fear of not doing. No, I couldn't change my nature. The same way I was ruled by fear led me towards the fire. Time is a funny thing; We can't fathom how the narrative twists. We are blind men on the journey down diverging roads.
I remember when I began my journey, and I remember when I took the road towards a small MMA gym in Brooklyn. I had sent an email to my professor before meeting him. I asked, "What's your philosophy in the gym?" He reminded me about how funny that email was. I understand why. I hid behind the intellectual aspect. I could have signed up for any other kind of class. I signed up for martial arts. No amount of lofty thinking can ignore the fact that I was pursuing how to fight. I wasn't going to dance. I would have to try and fail; I would get choked, punched or kicked depending on the day. I was signing up to learn through practice. I couldn't learn from pondering. My professor knew that I was filled with fear, and looking to distance myself through rumination. I came in, and learned that I would have to do the ruminating by myself. We were there to grapple, and I was there to grapple with my fear.
I became disillusioned with academia and the machine very early on. I realized that what they taught was propaganda. Most of my education came from the outside. It also came from the inside. We can memorize quotes and concepts. We can digest knowledge from written passages. There is a knowledge that cannot be taught though. This knowledge can be considered divine. It is earned through the trial by fire. Those who have the heart to endure hell, can reach a heavenly wisdom. This extends to realms beyond fighting as well. My good friend, Diego, is a champion of the cage. He has been pursuing comedy for a couple of years now. He is gaining the same kind of divine wisdom that only comes to those who can stomach the agony.
I picked my path. I walked the road, and now I'm deep into the forest. I don't want to turn around; I'm taking the journey of faith. I'm not guaranteed anything in this world, none of us are. My dad once told me that, "If you work hard then good things will happen." I didn't believe him. I thought he was just placating me. I realize now that he was right. He wasn't saying that you're promised to get what you want from hard work. He was presenting that idea that the work in itself is imbued with virtue. So, if we set our sights on the journey and brace for impact then we will win the spoils; these spoils are not always material though. Sometimes the best of things to be gained in any given moment are eternal. The gains I've made through the journey of martial arts, competition and persistence do not expire like food or become less appealing like fashion. The gains I've made through climbing the mountain have made me reach heights I could have never imagined, not in a million years.