I was just informed that my first serious girlfriend died due to breast cancer at the young age of 34. I hadn't spoken with her in 12 years. I was still deeply saddened by the news. We grew up together. She taught me about relationships. I hadn't really known anything before her. She showed me my many shortcomings as a man, and still stayed in my corner as I battled life. She was far too young. She was married, and living her life until it was abruptly brought to a close. It felt as though my own young adulthood vanished with her passing. She was witness to my life at that time, as I was to hers. We grew together, and experienced all the growing pains associated with maturation. I can't make sense of this, and I can only imagine what her family is experiencing.
I hadn't known she was sick. She wanted to keep it to herself. I don't know what I would have said to her had I known. Maybe I would have had no right to say anything. I spent two years with her. We were interconnected until we broke up, and then we lived our lives in different cities. She found her way, and found a husband. She had her own dreams and nightmares. She was here, and now she's gone, and I feel so sad about it.
The finality is a sobering prospect. I don't know what it would have been like to see her again. It wouldn't have happened, because we both moved along our own trajectories. I wonder though if it did. Would we have hashed out one of our big fights? Would we have talked about the time we went to Atlanta, and saw an exhibition by Gerhard Richter? Maybe we would have just focused on the present and discussed our life journeys. I'll never know. I would only hope she knows somehow that I'm terribly sad, and do remember plenty of wonderful things, and I loved her.
She'll always be a part of me, because we experienced so much together. My life was shaped by her, and I owe her greatly. I'll have to pay it forward in the next life. She was a force to reckon with. Her absence will leave its mark. She may have only made it to 34, but she was a vibrant energy. I'll never forget who that girl was to me.