I go week by week. I judge my present based off of my recent past. It's not a totally sane or good measure to do that, but I have a poor memory, and I forget my history. One week I'll feel like a bonafide ninja, and the next I feel like a worthless slug. Neither of these are totally accurate feelings to have. It's probably more accurate to live in the middle. I'm a man of passion though, and I feel both of these things. Jiu-Jitsu will make you confront your ego, and you will have to have a real good look at yourself.
Most people won't get past blue belt in Jiu-Jitsu. Now, I feel the belt system is kind of silly in general. It's not just belts though that I find silly. Status symbols are silly, because we can't quantify multiple hierarchies people inhabit. Who wins at success? I train with guys that are so-so on the mat, but phenomenal craftsmen and/or fathers. The belts also don't always determine who gets the best of whom. My blue belt buddy is a monster, and throws beatings on me regularly. The brown piece of fabric doesn't make me otherworldly, not by a long shot. So much of our human perception is made-up. I love symbols, and I believe we need them, but it doesn't mean they literally exist. Nations are not a concrete thing. Look at our United States now, and we can see how un-united it is. Humans live within the human realm; we have language, abstraction, and hierarchies. I'm not implying that we should crap on all hierarchies. They exist for good reason. I've been a brown belt now for under a year, but now I feel used to wearing it.
Some weeks I feel like a brown belt (whatever that means). Other weeks I want to trade it back in for my purple. Some weeks I get caught in a stupid cross-collar choke, and feel like a turd (thanks Gary); other weeks I'm a gosh darn samurai. Perception is a malleable thing. The stories we tell ourselves are even more powerful than the thing that occurred. That's why symbols, narrative, and hierarchies all exist. They have power.
I have the power not to be a bitch. I can say "no" to allowing a self-loathing mode. It isn't easy. I can always spin the stories better... or better yet, I'm not dead yet, and that means I get to make more stories a reality. Yeah, that works. Also, if I make up wild bullshit about how I'm doing, I can hit up class and have reality sink in. I'll call over the blue belt beast to throw me a beating. That should do the trick. It's all about balance, I'm quite found of the Yin-Yang.